Now for the Hard One

Two weeks ago we  met with Katie for the normal labs and check up. During that meeting we requested that our appointments be further apart rather than the normal every two week visit. We also asked to receive any test results over the phone rather than having to wait for a follow up appointment. She agreed to try both.

Our visit that day didn't take long. Labs were the way they had always been lately. Some numbers high, some low. Stew's symptoms weren't much different either. Stomach discomfort and swelling with increasing back and hip pain. We also had hit the three month mark on the newly released medicine he is taking, so a Pet Scan was scheduled to monitor his progress.

When we left our appointment we did what we try to do after each visit and that is celebrate! We made the decision at the beginning of all this, that we were going to celebrate in advance of any test results. We wanted to intentionally rejoice in the gift of our God given life itself.  Not just when we received answers we wanted.

Our idea of a celebration usually involves a short walk, a stop at Petra's, a trip to Half Price Book store, a quick drop by visit with Amy and the kids, or our favorite splurge...a smoothie from Smoothie King. That time it was the smoothie and a short walk.

Last week Stew had his three month pet scan. The process involves prior fasting, an injection, lying flat for an hour and a half with an IV, and then a 15-20 minute scan.

Each time we go we have been blessed to meet someone who shares part of their story.

Last week it was a woman who had a kidney transplant a year ago. Even though she was having a few challenges along the way, it was a successful procedure and an answer to a long time prayer. Her joy was contagious as she shared about her new found life. We were so thankful to have the gift of rejoicing with her!

When Stew's scan was complete we made our trip to Half Price Bookstore and Smoothie King. It is now a standing joke with us that I inhale my smoothie and Stew slowly sips to the last drop. Also, that cancer has even changed his reading habits.

I am a compulsive reader. He has never been one, except for his Bible. Now though, he walks out of that store with a larger stack than I do!! It is fun to see and always causes us to laugh.

While there we met a delightful 75 year old gentleman in the religious clearance section. He taught in a Bible College for 43 years. As he looked for a Scofield  Bible, the only one he has used his entire life, he shared pearls of wisdom with us that had impacted his own life. One statement he made was that "sometimes God brings us through something to bring us to something."

Yesterday afternoon we called to get the Pet Scan test results. Katie called us back last night at 7:20. We had just begun our evening book study with Debby and Clarke when the phone rang. As we answered the phone, we all became quiet in anticipation of what would be said. What she had to share was definitely not what we wanted to hear.

She prepared us by saying it was not what we had all been hoping for. The news was not good. She then shared that the lymphoma has continued to spread/increase significantly quickly.

It is now pretty much everywhere. The scan revealed that it is located around Stew's neck area, lungs, heart, pelvic region, stomach, and even his spine. We listened intently as we tried to fight the tears that were welling up.

Katie tried to encourage us, and maybe herself, by sharing that she would continue to pray. She also reminded us they would not give up and that Dr. B was already looking into what else they might be able to do. The phone call ended with her encouragement and us telling her how very much we appreciated her making the call as we had asked rather than having us wait. We could tell it was not easy for her.

We sat stunned for a minute. The four of us held hands as Clarke prayed. There were hugs, a few tears and then Clarke and Debby quietly left to allow  us time together. We were glad they were here.

As we stood on the front porch waving good by to them, we held each other's hand a bit tighter. Truthfully, I couldn't help but ask the Father silently, "How many more times will we get to do this, God? How many more times will we stand here together holding hands?" He answered with peaceful silence. I knew He was there...and that He had been the unseen listener to our conversation.

As we stood there holding hands, He was holding us both.

When we entered our home we took a deep breath and called our children and sisters. It was not easy.We reached 3 out of 4. Our conversations were about the news, the reminder to each other that we were not giving up hope, and a few tears. Parents are not suppose to bring hurt to their children's lives.

Then, even though the "spiritual" thing might have been to fall on our knees in prayer, that is not what Stew and I did. We each took a deep sigh, quietly left the room where we made the calls, held hands, walked into our bedroom, and crawled into bed silently holding each other. No words. Just quietness and thoughts. Sometimes you just need to be close to the one you love most. And there are times, many times, when you feel your closest to the Father just by being still.

With love, gratitude, and faces to the wall,
Stew and Deb

P.S. We have been together in this long enough for us to be able to share what is on our heart with you. Please, please, don't replace your prayers for us with worry. We really need those of you who are praying to continue doing so.

And, know that this news absolutely stinks! Cancer stinks! In the natural we are losing a lot of ground, but with God all things are still possible.

Yes...
We are a bit shaken, but we are not shaken in our faith.
We didn't receive the news we wanted, but we are not without hope.
We have cried and will still yet, but we are also able to smile.
Our hearts are hurting, but the Father is comforting.
This hit has been hard, but in Him we are not giving up.

Stew and I  have absolutely no reason to complain. God has blessed us, and continues to bless us beyond measure with our family,
those who are in our lives,
those we meet,
good doctors who really care,
with every morning we wake up to enjoy an added day of life together,
and with you!

We knew from the beginning Stew's healing would come from the hands and the heart of the Father, even if he used men to bring it about. So, that is where we are going to stay...in the hands and heart of the Father by the strength of His love and grace. He can handle any hurt or tears we bring to Him. He can handle whatever the enemy flings our way. It is Who He is.

Thankful for added days, the Father's love, and you.
Faces to the Wall.
Stew and Deb

Stew's Story...military years part 2

This post is a continuation of the previous one.


Stew then included a personal note along with his answers:

There is another side of all this that Deb and I would like to share with you that probably doesn’t apply to your report, but will hopefully give you a whole perspective of military life, not just war time.

Our years in the military, except for Vietnam, had special times and difficult times, just like every life does. We know without a doubt we made the right decision each time we reenlisted. We would pray and do what we felt God was saying.

 In the military, fellow soldiers and their families became more than friends, they were family. 

Living away from home, each of our own families could not be there for family events. So, we became each other’s family as we shared life together. We went to each other’s children’s special events at school, sports, and church. We celebrated holidays together, laughed together and cried together. We stuck together through the most difficult of times and in the best of times.

Each change in duty station was filled with sad good byes, concerns for how our family would adjust in the new place, the apprehensions and joys of starting over, and the hope of making of new friends…a new sense of community.

It was not always easy. Sometimes the places we were assigned experienced terrorist threats, bomb threats, and heightened security. One time military police had to patrol our children’s schools to ensure their protection.

 But we look back and know without a doubt it was all worthwhile. Our memories are shaped with the places we lived, the people we met, the experiences we had, and the things we learned. Some of those people are still our friends and family and have been for at least thirty years. We have so many more good memories than negative.

 It has instilled in all of us a love of country, God, and strong sense of patriotism. We began learning how much we needed God in our life and what a gift it was to have the freedom to love Him and live for Him.

We asked Amy how it impacted her, and this is what she said: " I loved being an army brat. It allowed us to experience other cultures and different locations in a way that changed us and added to who we are …not just vacations. We grew up with diversity. The negative was leaving friends and schools. There was always a sadness in leaving and a nervousness in being new, but it was always mixed with excitement too. For the new experiences.

I think it helped me to become someone who is more accepting of change and even looks forward to new experiences. And, I think it helped me to know who I am and what I believe better because I was exposed to so much that was different. "

Thank you _______________ for the opportunity to share.

*Stew and I were asked once if we were angry with the military/government because he is now battling mantle cell and it is considered Agent Orange related. Our answer was and still is, "No."

How can we be angry or have regrets when God used our 24 years in the military to:
Grow us
Teach us
Love on us
Walk with us through difficult times and joyful moments
Give us wonderful opportunities to see His creation around the world
Bless us with friends like family who are still with us after all those years, and
Build for us memories that we still hold dear.

He was with us then as He is now. To look back with regret or anger would be to diminish all the good...all the blessings He brought into our lives. It would be like saying He is not enough.

And, He is always always more than enough!

Love, gratitude, and faces to the wall,
Stew and Deb

Some of Stew's Story...part one

Cancer is not who Stew is.
Cancer is not his only story.
Cancer can not rob him of the life he has lived, or the days he has yet to.

The thought has crossed our mind that for many cancer is the only chapter of Stew's life that is known, but there is so much more.

So, we would like to change that at least a little bit. Some may not know that Stew served in the United States Army for 24 years. He was drafted during the Vietnam War.

Recently he was asked by a young sophomore girl I know if he would be her "soldier" and answer survey questions for a school assignment. He said yes.

It is a bit long, but well worth the read.

1.      What is your full name? Gary Vance Stewart

2.      What branch of the military did you serve in? The United States Army

3.      How many years did you serve? I was drafted in February of 1970 and served until 1994.  I served for 24 years.

4.      Where did you serve? I was drafted during the Vietnam War. I completed basic training at Fort Dix, New Jersey, and my AIT (Advanced Infantry Training) in Fort Ord, California. From there I was sent to Cu Chi, the jungles of Vietnam, and Kontum. 

Following that, as a family, we were stationed in:

Fort Riley, Kansas,

East Liverpool, Ohio, as a Recruiter

Schwabach, Germany,

Nuremberg, Germany,

Fort Knox, Kentucky,

Schweinfurt, Germany,

and Fort Polk, Louisiana.

5.      How old were you when you enlisted? I didn’t. I was drafted in 1970. I was 19.

6.      How long was your longest deployment period? Germany-5 years.

                                                                                                                                             

7.      How did your absence affect your family? Except for Vietnam, they were all accompanied tours. I was in Vietnam for 11 months and 24 days. During that time Deb and I were engaged, but not  married. It was difficult for her and my parents. Mail was not shipped on a regular basis and phone calls were extremely rare. To make a call I had to be at a base, which was not often, and wait in line with other soldiers to make a radio call that sometimes failed. Each soldier only had 3 minutes. I was able to call home 1 time.

 Even though I would write to her daily when possible she could go 2, 3, 4 weeks or longer without receiving anything. Mail was sent out in bulk and only when I returned to the base.

During the no mail times the only information she received was that which she heard on the television or read in the newspaper. It is frightening to read that the last place you knew your loved one was located was overrun by the Viet Cong.

She would wait for the mailman every day in hopes for a letter. If one came she would check the date to see if it was written prior to an attack, or after. If it was written after, there was relief. If it was written before, fear and worry. Even though it wasn’t spoken out loud, inside she and my parents were waiting for either a personal letter, or the notification of death that no one wanted to receive.

She was only 17/18. I was only 19/20. She had to learn to face and deal with fear, while still hoping to see me. So was I.

 There were other times that I was gone on maneuvers, and times we were separated as a family during the transition of a move. The longest being 4 months.  For my wife, during those absences she was basically the only present parent with all the responsibilities that went with that role.  We had a calendar that our children would mark off each day until my expected day of return. And, they would pray for me.

For our son, when he was younger, his grades would drop slightly and he would become a bit more unsure, timid and have difficulty sleeping. This would happen for about two weeks and then he would begin to adjust to the change.

For our daughter, she seemed to understand that it was only for a period.

I asked our son how he felt it was during my absences.

He said that he knew I was gone, but he doesn’t really remember what it felt like except for one big memory. That memory was of a time when I was due to come home and he kept asking his mom if it was the day yet. When she finally said yes, he climbed a tree and waited so he could see “his dad” coming home.

What was life like upon returning home?

Upon my return from Vietnam, soldiers were not welcomed home. In fact, it was the exact opposite. The reaction in the larger airports made it obvious that we weren’t welcome. You would wear your uniform on a military flight and change into civilian clothes to take the domestic flight.

Life was an adjustment. I was glad to be home, but still had memories of the battles fought. I almost felt the need to not let others know that I had been in Vietnam.

I was so happy to be home. But, it took a while to be able to sleep soundly, to get use to the normalcy of everyday life, and to learn how to relax again. I wanted to be where I was, not talk about where I had been.

Returning home from shorter separations, once I had a family, were always highly anticipated times filled with lots of hugs, talking, and catching up.

How did war change the future of your family?

For my parents and I, our relationship was never the same. They never really asked what it was like, how I was, or wanted to discuss the time I was gone. It was as if that time of my life never existed for them. They couldn’t deal with what I had faced. That left a wall between us.

It also changed the dreams Deb and I had set.  We both lived in small towns where most people went to school, got a job, got married, and remained there. Serving in a war opened our eyes to something more. We were married two weeks after my return and moved to Fort Riley, Kansas. We chose to remain in the military for 24 years. So, it not only changed our future, but the type of life our children experienced.

What was deployment life like and what kind of relationships did you have with other soldiers?

If this question is applied to war time deployment my answer is that is too difficult to describe so that another would understand.

Here is just a glimpse.

We never knew where the enemy was and when we would come upon them.

Temperatures were as high as 120 degrees, and there were monsoon seasons where it would rain for weeks at a time. Days were spent walking in rice paddies and nights spent sleeping in them. We always took turns sleeping because guards were always needed. I was afraid to sleep and too tired not to.

We were carrying weapons that we had never heard of just three months prior. There were leeches, jungle rot, scorpions, porcupines, and snakes called Charlie step and a half.

Death was always close, and life was always hoped for. We lost fellow soldiers right before our very eyes.

And, during it all, there was a sense of togetherness. We needed each other. We depended on one another for our safety and protection. As soldiers who had never met before, we had to quickly learn to trust each other, we were all we had and that was everything.

 When we would return to the base camp, we would rest, play cards, and sometimes share about home and family. There was not a lot of talk about the future.

Last week Stew and I went to the VA Facilities approximately 45 minutes from our home.  Our applications have been accepted and our badges given for us both to become volunteers at the VA Community Living Center! 

 Stew is hoping to  have one on one visits with those who live there. He wants to be a listening ear to their stories and let them know that he understands. His prayer is they will feel valued and know their service in appreciated.

I am hoping to volunteer in the Dementia/Alzheimer's wing.

On our way out we saw the helicopter in the above picture. It is the type of helicopter that Stew rode in. As we reflected on those days and he shared some about the experiences he had, we both felt such gratitude that he made it home, and such sorrow for those who didn't.

Thanking the Father for you,

Deb and Stew

---

  

November 2017 Catch Up in Photographs 1

November 2017 began pretty rough for Stew. Within a few days of Ben returning to Tennessee, Stew began battling a 102-103 fever even with Tylenol. It came on totally unexpected. 

We knew, and so did our team, that he had been experiencing more stomach pain, muscle pain, and that his energy level had been decreasing but it was thought to simply be where we were in the process. But, when we went to sleep one night and I woke up feeling as though a furnace was against me alarms went off inside my head. Fevers that do not go away and are unexplained are the dreaded complication that no one wants to have. 

Stew had experienced them at night before. He had even had night sweats. But nothing like this. No matter what we tried, or the on call doctor suggested, we could not get the fever to break. (And, of course this was on a weekend.)

So, late Sunday evening found us driving to Medical City Dallas Emergency Room. Somehow the 35-45 minute drive seemed to take so much longer than it normally did. They quickly took him back to a private room and began doing tests.

At 4 am, after multiple tests and an IV, it was determined that Stew possibly had something viral. They released us to return home with the instructions to see our doctor in the morning. Stew slept off and on as we traveled home and I alternated between prayer and talking out all my feelings to the Father.

Once Dr. B. and Katie saw him later that day they immediately made arrangements for his admission to the hospital.  By this time he was in so much pain that it hurt him to even move his head. 

Stew ended up remaining in the hospital for 8 days. His fever went up to 103.8. None of the initial tests indicated anything definite as to a cause for the high temperature, bed drenching sweats, or the pain.

When ever Stew was able to fall asleep, the chapel became my place of rest and a few tears. I could sit there and "Be still" as the Father's peace flooded the room and me. The minute I entered, the prayers of so many before me could be felt along with His Presence. 

                                           

And God in His infinite mercy continued to make His love known to us in many many ways. My sis and Amy were lifelines for us. Dawn made arrangements with her boss to work from our home. She came and stayed at the house for 6 days taking care of dogs, doing things in the house and visiting the hospital each day with goodies for me to eat. Amy, Shi, and Noah helped out wherever was needed, too. Their love and the visits from people who were faithful to be there made things a lot easier. Homemade chicken soup with fruit was even brought to us by dear friends. 

 We were strengthened by the amazing care of nurses, assistants, and those in housekeeping. Stew's room became a place where prayers were offered and life stories were shared...theirs and ours. One nurse said she felt peace and hope whenever she came to see him. Even the dietitian intern who visited our room for a satisfaction survey shared with Stew some of his life which led to the discussion of a common faith in God.

At the end of a long and sometimes painful hospital stay we all knew what had happened. The targeted therapy pill Stew had been taking (our strongest remaining possible door opener for a stem cell transplant) had become toxic to his body. Once they discontinued it the fevers began to drop and pain lessened. It meant though that there was no other available treatment for Stew at that time.

Not things we wanted to hear, but we were so so thankful he was well enough to go home that we chose to let gratitude and joy flood our hearts and block fear from filling our minds.  How could we not be thankful? He had entered the hospital in a wheel chair and he was leaving walking on his own!

God was continuing to add to our days!

P.S. Two weeks later a new targeted therapy pill was released from clinical trials! The hand of the Father and the prayers of those who are faithful (you) continue keep the doors open for miracles.

With love and gratitude,

Stew and Deb 

https://youtu.be/uHz0w-HG4iU

Great are You Lord by Sons and Daughters

A Day Dreams are Made of...

On a scale of 1-10, most of Stew's days physically are between a 3 and 5. We consider those to be good days because they are not a 1 or 2. Number 3 days are pretty rough, and we definitely like number 5 days better, but with rest, making adjustments, and prayerful determination there is still a lot of life to enjoy.





Today though was a number 6 day!! We were overjoyed! All we could do was look at each other and smile. Many may not realize it, but Stew has not enjoyed a day feeling this way since everything began over  a year ago. Yes, he was still tired. Yes, he was still hurting. Yes, he had come through two weeks of fever, cough, and bronchitis, but today he was feeling one step better!!







So, after preparing and delivering a week of meals to a family who has battled colds and flu for two weeks, we decided to try a walk at one of my go-to  peacefully happy places...






Towne Lake.    
Granted, Stew and I might occasionally walk around the block together, but the path around the lake is approximately a mile. We have visited there before and walked a short distance, or he has sat and enjoyed the view while I journeyed around the lake. Today was different, though.  Today he felt he could walk the entire distance. It was a special moment to hear him say, "I think I can do this."
                                                                                                                         

So, with a few brief rest stops along the way...

 and a time to be thankful as we dreamed about the possibilities of days yet to come...

He made it!!

We ended our day with a mini celebration trip to Smoothie King where we were joined by Shiloh and Amy...

and then home for some restful sleep.

Our hearts are full,
                   hopes are anchored,
                                 and hands raised in thanks for the Father's gift of Grace.


Faces to the Wall,
Stew and Deb

More photo catch ups from November and December yet to come. We just wanted to share this praise with each of you! 

Praise and Prayer update: Thank you for your prayers as we prepared for our appointment with Dr. B. He shared with us that Stew's spleen is significantly enlarged, but he wants to monitor it a bit longer with the hopes that this new medicine will cause it to diminish in size. He also told us, after we asked, that Stew being clean (total remission) for a Stem Cell Transplant is much less of a possibility now.
But...God!!  His mercies are new every morning...and today is proof!!

https://youtu.be/oh2goMABFPc

Photo Catch Up (1)

Ben, our son, has been making a trip to see us approximately every three to four months since his dad has been ill. His most recent one was the end of October. What an encouragement it was to have two days together!

This time we were able to meet Debby and Clarke for lunch at Petra's. We had been wanting them and Ben to meet for such a long time. But, I forgot to take a single picture!!

Pictures from the rest of the time, though:

 A ten minute stop at Towne Lake for a few father and son pictures before going home for a nap.

              Evening spent with Amy and family was filled with laughter, LOTS of talking, remember -when stories, and charades.

                                           

There was also a special first dance for Shi with her Uncle Ben...

(Even though Stew was a bit unsteady on his feet, tired, and not feeling his best, he tried dancing, too.  Little did we know that two days later he would begin running a high fever and become very ill. It is times like those captured in these two videos that help keep us anchored in hope and thankful.)

and a time of worship with prayer.

Our hearts were full and our smiles huge!!

Thankful!

Hello dear friends and family,

It has been a long time since writing and we are truly sorry. We could give a lot of reasons why, but the truth is there aren't any really good ones, just real ones.

At first it was due to a couple of unexpected crises in our lives.  That was then followed by the in-the- face reality that each time I sat down to write there were no words waiting to be written.

I kept hoping it would change. For a while though, it didn't. Words just weren't coming together for a blog post.

When they finally did, we could no longer access our blogsite account. At that point, we wondered if it was time to stop the blog. We knew the posts had been going out for over a year and a half and that was a long time for others to keep reading about people who are in a battle that on the surface does not seem to be improving.

The original purpose of "Face to the Wall"  was to keep those who followed it informed and for prayer for Stew. It grew into sharing about our lives, the many kindnesses and hope God has brought into our days, and hopefully encouraging others about God's loving presence in their own life situations.  We are currently praying for wisdom to know if the blog is now only meeting our need to have a journal, in which case it can be written as a personal dairy instead.  Or, is it God's purpose for us to continue on as is with the hopes that others are reading it and being encouraged as they prayed for Stew ?

Waiting for wisdom.

In the interim, and now that access has been restored to "Face to the Wall", we will create a few picture filled blog posts with mini updates from the past couple of months. We have missed you.

We hope you had a wonderful Christmas season and that you have entered into the New Year with the God given gift of many hopes and dreams for the days to come.

With hearts of gratitude to the One Whose loving kindness still has us here doing life together, and for each of you who have shared your life and His with us,
Stew and Deb