Questions Part 2
How has does the news of cancer impact your relationship with others?
It changes them. Or, maybe it simply reveals relationships as they really are. Not everyone is going stay with you for the long haul or, as a friend described it, for the marathon.
There are those who have physically, prayerfully, and emotionally been a part of this cancer battle from day one. Those who remained for a short season. Others who pop in and out with an occasional encouraging text when thoughts of us cross their mind. Some who never mention the subject even though our paths intersect at times. And, a few who backed off almost immediately with no further contact.
The flip side is, no one battling anything can fairly expect others' lives to change because theirs has. Not friends, not family. Just be thankful for who is with you.
How do you feel about the changes in relationships?
From Stew: "People will only do what they want to do or feel they can do. I am thankful for those who are standing with us."
From Deb: So thankful for those who are standing with us! I don't know how we would make it without them. We definitely need their love, prayers, encouragement, active presence, and strength in our lives. Yet, I have no expectations from those who may have found it too difficult or are unable to stay in the fight for whatever reasons. Initially there was a bit of sadness for some relationship changes, but too much of life goes on to stay in that sadness for very long. People have their own lives to lead and it is a sacrifice to stay in a long battle with someone."
Have you received a lot of input from others as to what you should and shouldn't do?
This question made Stew and I smile. It was the topic of a discussion I "overheard" at the chemo center among a few cancer warriors the first time Stew and I were in the open area for treatment. (Though he actually slept through it:-) Some were sharing how almost immediately, when some of their friends/family members found out about the cancer, they wanted to "fix them" by giving them books to read, videos to watch, foods to eat and not eat, reasons to take chemo, reasons to not...and the list went on.
From the cancer warriors' perspective that day, they knew that all the "fix it" ideas they received were intended to be helpful, but instead they were overwhelming.
It was one more decision to make. More information to try and understand. And, one more thing they were expected to do, when they hadn't even begun to navigate their way through the foreign and unexpected word of "cancer".
In the conversation it was shared that when they truly needed encouragement and hope because of necessary information overload about their condition from their doctor they were receiving, it felt like they were receiving even more information overload from those whom they needed to simply be there. One even commented that she felt more like a "project" to one person in her life, because the only texts she received from them were about things to do and not do. No questions like, "Hey, how are you doing today?"
Stew and I actually experienced a little of the same. We appreciated the caring behind all suggestions and still do. ( I, Deb, am a prayerful researcher.) Some suggestions we have incorporated into our daily lives, and some not. Yet, in the process it has taught us a few lessons that we hope to hold on to.
1 It is all about timing and caring. Before sharing the "to do-s" listen to the "this hurts" whether spoken or unspoken. Give the person whose life has just been torn upside down time to come up for air... to breathe. Allow them to come to terms with the sense of loss and pain that has entered in their lives. At that beginning moment it is not about opinions. It is not about what you know. It is about heart. It is about them.
2. People don't care as much about what you know, or even how much you know, until they know you care. Pray for ways to show you care before you share all you know.
3. Think before telling someone to do or not do chemo; whether you are sending that message directly or indirectly. Give your experience and your thoughts if asked, but remember it is their life that is being impacted. Their death they may be facing. They are the ones who live the decision out. Trust them.
4. Pray and be a "burden-lifter" not a "burden-adder." There will be a time to share most of the information you feel is of benefit. Just wait for it. Don't rush it. At the right time, they will want to know.
Learning from those who have walked the path before you is invaluable. Information is needed and hopeful.
Those giving it just need to remember to wrap it in caring, God's timing, and prayer.
Those who feel they are hearing it so soon, need to simply give grace. Tell the person with love that it is a bit too much right now, but you will get back to them/check it out when you can breathe again. And, be very thankful that someone cares.
What is Mantle Cell exactly?
Mantle cell is a lymphoma cancer. Lymphoma occurs when the cells of the immune system, lymphocytes, a type of white blood cell, grow and multiply out of control. It is a very rare B-cell non- hodgkins lymphoma that appears to affect more men than women and mostly those over the age of 60. Only 4-6 % develop this form of cancer. Some studies indicate a connection (not the only one) between mantle cell and Agent Orange which was used during the Vietnam war. (Stew was there) In December 2016 it was reported that there were only 15, 000 cases of mantle cell in United States.
Most of the time when mantle cell symptoms begin to present themselves the disease is already in the advanced stages. Stew is considered Stage 4. Statistics show that it is one of the few lymphomas that can cross over to the brain. There is usually good response to the initial chemo for a season, but after chemo there is a very high relapse rate and quick progression of the disease. Each relapse is more difficult to treat, and occurs more quickly. Right now 5 year survival rate estimates vary...anywhere from 30% to 50% when the disease is advanced.
Disclaimer: We know the statistics but they are not our truth! We know the possibility of a more battles to come, but believe that victory will be seen. We know that new ways of treatment are being discovered all the time, but our ultimate Healer is God! We are not a statistic. :-)
Hope this is helpful in some way.
Thanking God for you upon every thought of you...which is often.:-)
Stew and Deb
