1. How did you both feel when you were told Stew had cancer and what was possibly ahead?
Stunned. It felt as if it were a dream and not our real life. We alternated between good "what ifs" and not so good "what ifs." Yet, each time we would talk the conversation would eventually turn to the truth that God can do beyond what man thinks and imagines. Sometimes we would run quickly to that truth in faith and sometimes we crawled. Sometimes with joy and sometimes with tears. But, we soon realized all that mattered was that we ran to Him. We are learning that God doesn't hold the "temporary" shaken condition of our faith against us like man does. He simply wants us to draw near to Him, and He will take care of the rest. Strength isn't what we think it is. It is not us having all things together. It is knowing to hide/rest in the One Who does.
2. What did you do when you received the news?
When we received all the "definite" news, we were also told that Stew needed to be in the hospital quickly. We made phone calls to our family, bought something sweet (even me), went home, fed the dogs, let them out, turned off our phones, prayed a very short prayer (no words), and went to bed holding each other until we fell asleep. It was only 6:30 pm in the evening. Next morning he was admitted to the hospital.
3. Is anything normal now?
There is no normal in the sense we all think of as being normal. For us, normal is whatever the day brings. We are learning that circumstances do not bring normalcy, we as people do. We realize now that the idea of normal is highly over-rated, but living life isn't.
Some days we pack our goody bag, kindle chargers, and activity tote with books and games for a 6-7 hour day at the infusion center only to be sent home because labs are critically low. Other days we get to stay. Normal.
There are days when Stew might sleep most of the day, go to bed at 5 pm, or stay up till 10:00. (That last part is rare:-) Normal.
There are evenings we eat a meal together, and evenings that find us eating a slice of gluten free toast with a cup of tea because that is all Stew's stomach can handle at the end of the day. Normal.
Cancer and chemo has changed our idea of normal. Anything can happen, God helps us go with it, and that is our new normal.
4. What changes has cancer brought to your way of eating, or has it?
Well, Stew has totally given up anything with sugar, wheat, red meat, and white flour. (He's now eating more like me) He is drinking at least 6 bottles of water a day, where before he maybe drank one. And, we have removed most, not all, of the processed food in our household.
5. Why the mask?
Whenever neutrophils are too low, Stew is more vulnerable to sickness and disease. If we have to go out, or want to, the mask is a protection-necessary inconvenience. Or, we can view it as a blessing because otherwise he would be stuck at home some of the time. Now, don't get the idea he always likes wearing it, he doesn't. Who would? It is an immediate red flag to all who see you that you are ill. So the eyes of others are either averted, staring, pitying, uncomfortable, or understanding. As he says, "At first I wouldn't wear it. But, as in all things, when you pray God can change your outlook." It is not always needed though. Just depends on the labs.
Because of the mask, Amy, Stew, Shi, and I have played with ideas of ways to decorate them, or messages to put on them. The things we come up with always end with us cracking up in laughter. A strange chemo type of humor. We've even thought about beginning our own line of chemo wear. (No one steal that idea!!)
One Amy thought of was a mask with the words "Does this mask make me look bald?" Another idea she and Stew both like is a Darth Vader decorated mask. And, of course, I personally think a mask decorated in Steeler colors would be phenomenal!!
6. Why so many delays in chemo?
When Stew's wbc and neutrophils are in a critical stage (too low) it is not safe for his body to undergo chemo, so it is delayed. It is part of the battle we face. It can happen, too, the further along you are in chemo. For Stew, one factor is that the bone marrow is diseased with cancer also.
7. Are you ever afraid? If so, of what?
Stew: I don't feel like I get afraid, but the thought does cross my mind "What if I don't make remission? What happens next to me...for Deb?"
Deb: There are moments, especially when I see Stew sleeping or he reaches over to hold my hand. When those moments happen love and pain simultaneously grab my heart as it silently cries out to God with the same words every time. "Father, I don't want to lose him." God is then so kind and faithful to remind me that He has this. (Some days I need a lot of reminding)
Okay, more questions answered in the next post and then a glimpse of the cancer clinic/infusion center through our eyes. (Still haven't forgotten the story I said we would share about Samuel.)
Face to the Wall:
Update:
Stew has one more Velcade injection on 5 December and then a break till 15 December. At that time we begin the last round of this cycle.
Prayer:
Miraculous healing.
Stable labs/blood levels.
Protection against infections.
Guidance as to what to do next.
Wisdom for Dr. K. and blessings on her as she moves into her future.
Eyes to see and heart to make a difference to all we meet.
Our family-they are walking through this the same as we are.
Christ in us to be seen, regardless what is taking place.
Those that are praying for us...YOU! Abundant blessings and health!
Deeply thanking God upon every remembrance of you!
Stew and Deb
