Samuel

One afternoon, Stew and I stopped to pick up a few groceries on our way home from an appointment. Stew was feeling tired, but decided to go in the store anyways.

While choosing some bananas, I heard a voice behind me say, "Here, let me help you with that." I turned around and there was a tall, slightly stooped gentleman with a produce bag in his hand. He was holding it open for me to place the bananas inside.

Resting atop his head was a Veteran's ball cap, on his hands were plastic gloves, and lighting up his entire face was a big, gentle, smile. I dropped the bananas into the bag while saying "Thank you."

Noticing the emblem on his hat I asked him when he had served and he shared briefly about his time in the military.When I shook his hand and said "thank you/God bless you for your service" a glimmer of tears pooled in his eyes. I mentioned that my husband had served in the military 24 years and had been in Vietnam. Samuel had been there as well.

We talked for a few minutes more. I left to find Stew so I could introduce them. There was just something different about this gentle man...gentleman.

Stew came around the aisle as I was walking away, and patiently returned with me to Samuel. He didn't fully understand how much I wanted them to meet. I didn't myself.

They shook hands and shared a few words. We told Samuel what a blessing it had been to meet him, and that God had brought him as an encouragement to our day. He smiled.

And, then God!

Samuel looked intently at Stew while gently pointing his finger and said, "You take good care of her." Turning his face to me he whispered softly, "You take really good care of him, he needs it." Then he spread out his arms quietly declaring, "And, God will take the best care of all of us."

Stew had tears in his eyes, I had tears falling down my cheeks, and Samuel was beaming. He let me give him a hug.  While doing so I whispered to him that my husband had cancer, and I was so thankful to God for letting our paths cross.

He responded with a "Uh-huh" as if Stew having cancer was no surprise to him. After a moment's pause, Samuel bowed his head a little and shared that he had cancer as well and was currently in remission, but God had been with him through everything in his life and God was with us, too.

Since then, every time we go to that store, we look for Samuel just to share a hug and a hello. Sometimes we go in just to see him. We know now that he is 80 years young, goes to church on Sundays, is still in remission, believes God will continue causing him to bear fruit in older age, and his heart hurts because people don't smile anymore. He so wants to bring a smile to each person's face.

He definitely did that for us, and continues to do so.

Samuel-God's smile maker.

God-the center of every story in our lives.

Love and prayers,

Stew and Deb

Questions Part 2

How has does the news of cancer impact your relationship with others?


 It changes them. Or, maybe it simply reveals relationships as they really are. Not everyone is going stay with you for the long haul or, as a friend described it, for the marathon.

There are those who have physically, prayerfully, and emotionally been a part of this cancer battle from day one. Those who remained for a short season. Others who pop in and out with an occasional encouraging text when thoughts of us cross their mind. Some who never mention the subject even though our paths intersect at times. And, a few who backed off  almost immediately with no further contact.

The flip side is, no one battling anything can fairly expect others' lives to change because theirs has. Not friends, not family. Just be thankful for who is with you.


How do you feel about the changes in relationships?

From Stew: "People will only do what they want to do or feel they can do. I am thankful for those who are standing with us."

From Deb:  So thankful for those who are standing with us! I don't know how we would make it without them. We definitely need their love, prayers, encouragement, active presence, and strength in our lives. Yet, I have no expectations from those who may have found it too difficult or are unable to stay in the fight for whatever reasons. Initially there was a bit of sadness for some relationship changes, but too much of life goes on to stay in that sadness for very long. People have their own lives to lead and it is a sacrifice to stay in a long battle with someone."


Have you received a lot of input from others as to what you should and shouldn't do? 

This question made Stew and I smile. It was the topic of a discussion I "overheard" at the chemo center among a few cancer warriors the first time Stew and I were in the open area for treatment. (Though he actually slept through it:-) Some were sharing how almost immediately, when some of their friends/family members found out about the cancer, they wanted to "fix them" by giving them books to read, videos to watch, foods to eat and not eat, reasons to take chemo, reasons to not...and the list went on.

From the cancer warriors' perspective that day, they knew that all the "fix it" ideas they received were intended to be helpful, but instead they were overwhelming.

It was one more decision to make. More information to try and understand. And, one more thing they were expected to do, when they hadn't even begun to navigate their way through the foreign and unexpected word of  "cancer".

In the conversation it was shared that when they truly needed encouragement and hope because of  necessary information overload about their condition from their doctor they were receiving, it felt like they were receiving even more information overload from those whom they needed to simply be there.  One even commented that she felt more like a "project" to one person in her life, because the only texts she received from them were about things to do and not do. No questions like, "Hey, how are you doing today?"

Stew and I actually experienced a little of the same. We appreciated the caring behind all suggestions and still do. ( I, Deb, am a prayerful researcher.) Some suggestions we have incorporated into our daily lives, and some not. Yet, in the process it has taught us a few lessons that we hope to hold on to.

1 It is all about timing and caring. Before sharing the "to do-s" listen to the "this hurts" whether spoken or unspoken.  Give the person whose life has just been torn upside down time to come up for air... to breathe. Allow them to come to terms with the sense of loss and pain that has entered in their lives. At that beginning moment it is not about opinions. It is not about what you know.  It is about heart. It is about them.

2. People don't care as much about what you know, or even how much you know, until they know you care. Pray for ways to show you care before you share all you know.

3. Think before telling someone to do or not do chemo; whether you are sending that message directly or indirectly. Give your experience and your thoughts if asked, but remember it is their life that is being impacted. Their death they may be facing. They are the ones who live the decision out. Trust them.

4. Pray and be a "burden-lifter" not a "burden-adder." There will be a time to share most of the information you feel is of benefit. Just wait for it. Don't rush it. At the right time, they will want to know.

Learning from those who have walked the path before you is invaluable. Information is needed and hopeful. 

Those giving it just need to remember to wrap it in caring, God's timing, and prayer. 

Those who feel they are hearing it so soon, need to simply give grace. Tell the person with love that it is a bit too much right now, but you will get back to them/check it out when you can breathe again. And, be very thankful that someone cares.

What is Mantle Cell exactly? 
Mantle cell is a lymphoma cancer. Lymphoma occurs when the cells of the immune system, lymphocytes, a type of white blood cell, grow and multiply out of control. It is a very rare B-cell non- hodgkins lymphoma that appears to affect more men than women and mostly those over the age of 60. Only 4-6 % develop this form of cancer. Some studies indicate a connection (not the only one) between mantle cell and Agent Orange which was used during the Vietnam war. (Stew was there) In December 2016 it was reported that there were only 15, 000 cases of mantle cell in United States.

Most of the time when mantle cell symptoms begin to present themselves the disease is already in the advanced stages. Stew is considered Stage 4. Statistics show that it is one of the few lymphomas that can cross over to the brain. There is usually good response to the initial chemo for a season, but after chemo there is a very high relapse rate and quick progression of the disease. Each relapse is more difficult to treat, and occurs more quickly. Right now 5 year survival rate estimates vary...anywhere from 30% to 50% when the disease is advanced.

Disclaimer: We know the statistics but they are not our truth! We know the possibility of a more battles to come, but believe that victory will be seen. We know that new ways of treatment are being discovered all the time, but our ultimate Healer is God! We are not a statistic. :-)

 Hope this is helpful in some way.

Thanking God for you upon every thought of you...which is often.:-)
Stew and Deb

This is what hope looks like... a God laced moment in the 33 days of waiting.

Today I was not feeling well and ended up falling asleep around 5 this evening. When I awoke to darkness a few moments ago, I could see a light glimmering in the back yard through the bedroom window.

It has been a long time since a moment like this has been a part of our daily life.

This is what  hope looks like.

 

Thankful,
Deb

A Pause Break

"Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it."- Lord Chesterfield

Stew had his final chemo injection on the 28th of December and now we wait. A pet scan was to happen next, but Medicare won't cover one that is less than three months after the previous scan. So, no decisions as to treatment, no answers, no results, and no visit with our new doctor until the 31st of January. We were looking at 33 days of doing nothing. 33 days of not knowing.

That was "sight" thinking.

But, as the days have gone by, our Father has gently and lovingly reminded us again this is a "faith seeing" not a "sight thinking" walk. No matter what it first appeared to us, this pause break is an amazingly good God thing!

We have 33 days:
 to simply do life in our old normal.
of Stew not fighting quite as much chemo fatigue.
to continue in prayer without the clamoring of lab reports, cancelled chemo treatments, and decisions.
to hear the sound of our Father's voice in the quietness of the day.
for anchored hope to increase and take wings.
to appreciate life.
to rest in the truth that "We walk by faith, not by sight."

Some pauses in life are needed.

Thankful,
Stew and Deb

Declaring His Praises

Good morning and Happy New Year!

We haven't posted in a while. The words were in us, but they just weren't ready to be shared. And now that they are ready, we have so much we want to share that you may be inundated with a few posts back to back in the next few days. But, we want our first two Face to the Wall posts of the New Year to be about praise and gratitude.

God has shown His kindness to us in so many ways. In 1 Peter 2:9 the verse begins by telling us who we are, but ends by revealing to us one of the reasons we are all those things..."that you may proclaim the excellencies (praises) of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light." Stew and I know that we were transferred from the kingdom of darkness to the kingdom of light at the day of our salvation, yet we believe that every day God continues to call us into His marvelous light. His marvelous light that dispels any darkness of circumstance, sin, or attacks the enemy might try to use to overshadow our day. And, the doorway to that change from circumstantial life vision to Kingdom living God vision is praise.

Psalms is laced with the thought of overcoming praise in almost every chapter...
praise the Lord
   give thanks with a whole heart
       praise Him in the midst of others
           give thanks to the Lord
               thank Him for His steadfast love
                   offer sacrifices of thanksgiving (often thanksgiving comes with a cost...a choice)
                       tell of His deeds with songs of joy
                          speak out His mighty deeds
                              rejoice in Him
                                 believe His words and sing
                                     don't forget all He's done
                                         magnify Him with thanksgiving

And, many of these were written by David. A man just like us. A man who fought unworthiness, sin, the possibility of defeat and loss of life...yet always chose "but God!"

 Godly praise identifies us as His, displays Him for all to see, and reveals Who is the keeper of our hearts in and above all that life on earth offers. It encourages us to stand stronger in the One who loves us most and reminds us, and others, of just Who our God truly is. It shows Whose Kingdom we belong to and lifts up the One we love and Who loves us. The only way we make it through anything life throws our way, even cancer, is by remembering Who He is, believing we are His, trusting in what He says, and declaring it from the roof top of our hearts

So, we will end this post by simply declaring Our Father's (how I love being able to say those two words!) excellencies...
Father...
Thank you for your loving mercies and tender kindnesses. Thank you for calling us to be Your very own and offering us all of Who you are. Thank you for Your life giving love that fills every part of our being and every area of our life. Thank you for the gift of Your Son Jesus Christ, and the Comforter You have given each one of us through Your Holy Spirit. Thank you for the inheritance that is ours in You...an inheritance that isn't just received in Heaven but one we get to partake of even now.
You are:
Holy
Mighty
Wonderful
Powerful
Loving
Kind
Forgiving
Compassionate
Healer
Redeemer
Hope
Graciousness
Merciful
Glorious
Grace
Faithful
Wisdom
Just
Righteousness
Good

You are:
our Shelter
our Fortress
our Stronghold
our Deliverer
our Shield
our Rescuer
our Refuge
our Salvation
our Strength
our Joy
our Victory
our Home

Father, we  are amazed and shout it from the roof tops how thankful we are that You chose to love us...that You are our God. We love you.
In Jesus Name,
Amen!

Thanking the Father for You,
Stew and Deb
*We would love for you to comment on this post by simply sharing one declaration of His excellencies. One praise to Him about Him. It would honor Him, encourage others, and cause us all to remember Who our life is about.


         

Prayer and God's "More" Love

Stew and Shi working on a craft project.:-)

Stew was due for his day 11 shot of the chemo velcade today. It didn't happen. Both the wbc and neutrophils counts are too low even for the injection. First time he has been unable to complete a round of chemo. No more velcade will be given till the next round.

That means another three days of the filgrastim shots and then a return visit to see Dr. K. on the 14th of December. At that time labs will be done, we will know if he can begin the final round of chemo, and what steps need to be taken, if not.

Also, we haven't shared this before in so many words, but Stew has been  progressively feeling worse in his physical body. The stomach discomfort has increased and  pretty much makes itself known at some level 24/7.  There is more bone pain, and he can now feel with his hands some of the larger lymphomas in his stomach.  That said, we still believe He is being healed, we are enjoying life, and we are ever thankful that your prayers and faith continue to be added to ours without weariness in waiting for the Father's answer.

Praise:

You

God's love

Our family

Friends like family

Stew's prayerfully determined attitude

Gluten free toast and tea

The power that happens when people pray together and believe.

Faces to the Wall:

Healing inside out

With love and grateful hearts,

Stew and Deb

Our anthem today reminding us of the Father's amazing love for us no matter what.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZgQlbGypiY

Questions asked...

Stew and I thought that for the next couple posts we would answer some questions asked...and some not asked.

1. How did you both feel when you were told Stew had cancer and what was possibly ahead? 

Stunned. It felt as if it were a dream and not our real life. We alternated between good "what ifs" and not so good "what ifs." Yet, each time we would talk the conversation would eventually turn to the truth that God can do beyond what man thinks and imagines. Sometimes we would run quickly to that truth in faith and sometimes we crawled. Sometimes with joy and sometimes with tears. But, we soon realized all that mattered was that we  ran to Him. We are learning that God doesn't hold the "temporary" shaken condition of our faith against us like man does. He simply wants us to draw near to Him, and He will take care of the rest. Strength isn't what we think it is. It is not us having all things together. It is knowing to hide/rest in the One Who does. 

2. What did you do when you received the news? 

When we  received all the "definite" news, we were also told that Stew needed to be in the hospital quickly. We made  phone calls to our family, bought something sweet (even me), went home, fed the dogs, let them out, turned off our phones, prayed a very short prayer (no words), and went to bed holding each other until we fell asleep. It was only 6:30 pm in the evening. Next morning he was admitted to the hospital.

3. Is anything normal now?

There is no normal in the sense we all think of as being normal. For us, normal is whatever the day brings. We are learning that circumstances do not bring  normalcy, we as people do. We realize now that the idea of normal is highly over-rated, but living life isn't. 

Some days we pack our goody bag, kindle chargers, and activity tote with books and games for a 6-7 hour day at the infusion center only to be sent home because labs are critically low. Other days we get to stay.  Normal.

There are days when Stew might sleep most of the day, go to bed at 5 pm, or stay up till 10:00. (That last part is rare:-) Normal.

 There are evenings we eat a meal together, and evenings that find us eating a slice of gluten free toast with a cup of tea because that is all Stew's stomach can handle at the end of the day. Normal.

Cancer and chemo has changed our idea of normal. Anything can happen, God helps us go with it, and that is our new normal. 

4. What changes has cancer brought to your way of eating, or has it? 

Well, Stew has totally given up anything with sugar, wheat, red meat, and white flour. (He's now eating more like me) He is drinking at least 6 bottles of water a day, where before he maybe drank one. And, we  have removed most, not all, of the processed food in our household.

5. Why the mask? 

Whenever neutrophils are too low, Stew is more vulnerable to sickness and disease. If we have to go out, or want to, the mask is a protection-necessary inconvenience. Or, we can view it as a blessing because otherwise he would be stuck at home some of the time. Now, don't get the idea he always likes wearing it, he doesn't. Who would? It is an immediate red flag to all who see you that you are ill. So the eyes of others are either averted, staring, pitying, uncomfortable, or understanding.  As he says, "At first I wouldn't wear it. But,  as in all things, when you pray God can change your outlook." It is not always needed though. Just depends on the labs.

Because of the mask, Amy, Stew, Shi, and I have played with ideas of ways to decorate them, or messages to put on them. The things we come up with always end with us cracking up in laughter.  A strange chemo type of humor. We've even thought about beginning our own line of chemo wear. (No one steal that idea!!)

One Amy thought of was a mask with the words "Does this mask make me look bald?" Another idea she and Stew both like is a Darth Vader decorated mask. And, of course, I personally think a mask decorated in Steeler colors would be phenomenal!!

6. Why so many delays in chemo?

When Stew's wbc and neutrophils are in a critical stage (too low) it is not safe for his body to undergo chemo, so it is delayed. It is part of the battle we face. It can happen, too, the further along you are in chemo. For Stew, one factor is that the bone marrow is diseased with cancer also.

7. Are you ever afraid?   If so, of what?

Stew: I don't feel like I get afraid, but the thought does cross my mind "What if I don't make remission? What happens next to me...for Deb?" 

Deb: There are moments, especially when I see Stew sleeping or he reaches over to hold my hand. When those moments happen love and pain simultaneously grab my heart as it silently cries out to God with the same words every time. "Father, I don't want to lose him." God is then so kind and faithful to remind me that He has this. (Some days I need a lot of reminding)

Okay, more questions answered in the next post and then a glimpse of the cancer clinic/infusion center through our eyes. (Still haven't forgotten the story I said we would share about Samuel.) 

Face to the Wall:

Update: 

Stew has one more Velcade injection on 5 December and then a break till 15 December. At that time we begin the last round of this cycle. 

Prayer:

Miraculous healing.

Stable labs/blood levels.

Protection against infections.

Guidance as to what to do next.

Wisdom for Dr. K. and blessings on her as she moves into her future.

Eyes to see and heart to make a difference to all we meet.

Our family-they are walking through this the same as we are.

Christ in us to be seen, regardless what is taking place.

Those that are praying for us...YOU! Abundant blessings and health!

Deeply thanking God upon every remembrance of you! 

Stew and Deb