Anyway, I finally connected, and as I went to the dashboard to click on "new post" there was a draft in the listings labeled "from Stew." I clicked on the link and with the very first line I totally lost it.
I had forgotten, (I think that is God's mercy) but now remember( this is God's grace) the morning he began this. I helped him to remember some of the words he couldn't find, and to spell them. Some I typed while he spoke because he was too weary to use his hands. We laughed that I was being his secretary and he kissed me on the cheek each time he was too tired or confused to go on. We would then just snuggle together and wait till he could remember. Sometimes we even dozed off.
But it is all his words. It is all him. It is unfinished, but because it is his thoughts and thank you to those who cared, I am including it as is. No spelling corrections or changes.
I feel a little awkward about leaving in what he shared about me, but just remember that he saw and believed the best of me even when I didn't.
God's timing is always perfect, and finding this was God's timing for me. I hope it is for you, too.
Thank you for making him feel so loved.
Deb
This was written the beginning of June 2018
This morning finds Stew and I at home, sitting in the hospital bed and listening to the sound of thunder and rain outside while he attempts to get his thoughts together for a letter he would like to write to all of you.
Stew:
Good morning everyone. First, I want to say that if some of what I share seems to have a disconnect, I am sorry. The thoughts I have are not always connected even though they might seem like it in my mind. They become fuzzy and I lose track of conversations, don't remember words, or forget what I am thinking. My brain feels as though it is an echo chamber and all I hear is the sound of someone's voice, but I can't understand the words that are being said. The opinion is that the cancer is spreading to my brain.
It scares me sometimes because I am afraid that I will forget the importance of the people in my life, their signature in my heart and it will hurt them. So while I am still able, I don't want to neglect telling those who have supported me, whether miles away or just next door, of their impact.
I feel that each of you have carried God's love and supported Deb and I on all sides. Your prayers have kept me protected, supported, and loved. Some have anticipated needs.
I also want to give credit to the person who most does that-my wife. Her day to day care for me has no glory, peace or comfort even of itself. Most of her day is unnoticed by any and everyone arouond her and that's because of her ability to knit all that goes on seemlessly into the day. She is the love of my life...she holds all the joy that I can see in her hands. Words will fall short of all that I want to express about her, but know this-if anything good is happening in my life it is because she had made it happen.
Not to short anyone, showing love and having opportunity can be difficult. To those who have sought out opportunities to encourage, love and be here. I have felt your touch both physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
And, to those whose opportunities are limited by distance I feel your prayers, your reaching out, the sacrifice in prayers that comes from a true spiritual warrior of whom I realize are many.
To my family, I am in awe at the sacrifices you have made...the outpouring of your presence, your love, your time, your help-Amy, Ben, our grandchildren, Dawnie you have loved me so well. I hope I have loved you well.
Sleep is hard to come by sometimes lately, because of difficulty grasping enough air, I have not wanted to go to sleep. There have been times when Deb has slept with me, on the floor beside me. Fresh air seems to help with nausea so there have been a few nights when I have tried to sleep outside in a lawn chair. Deb gets me settled and then pulls up another one beside me for her so I can hold her hand and am not alone.
Pain is being managed well, but I am aware that my strength is decreasing and getting out of bed requires help sometimes.
I need an oxygen tank all the time.
